


Faded Lights

by NahBruh



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: I'm Sorry, M/M, just a warning: this can be triggering, this sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 15:29:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19212280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NahBruh/pseuds/NahBruh
Summary: "I think I'm losing him," James cried into the phone, "no, I'm scared he's already gone." Fraser sighed into the phone, not knowing what to say."I'm so fucking sorry," he said. James choked on another sob"Me too."





	Faded Lights

**Author's Note:**

> It gets better. No matter how much it doesn't seem that way, it does. You can always reach out. There will always be someone ready to catch you. You are not alone.

_ 15 minutes after _

James was getting slightly anxious. Alex had been to the restroom for a good twenty minutes, and it wasn't like him to just disappear like that. He trusted Alex, and so he had been holding back, getting more and more restless by the minute, bouncing his leg up and down at a fast pace.

But by now, he couldn't take it anymore. He scooted out of the booth and got on his feet, ignoring the snide remarks of their friends. James didn't know why he was so anxious, but he just was. Making his way through the crowd, proved a bit difficult, but after pushing an abundance of people out of the way, James finally reached the restroom.

Pushing the door open, he found Alex sitting on the sticky white-tiled floor, the cold neon light illuminating his face. He had an empty look on his face, all the while hugging his knees to the chest, eyes glued to the ground.

James felt his heart fall at the sight, and rushed to Alex' side, falling down on one knee, not caring about the disgusting floor. He reached out for Alex, but the younger man flinched at the attempt, so James let his hand fall to the ground.

"Alex..." He was at a loss for words, unsure of how to deal with this. He had seen Alex when he was depressed, stressed, having bad highs - even when he was manic, but this was none of that. Alex wasn't present at all. He looked so broken.

"Let's go home, yeah?" James tried, waiting for a moment, before Alex nodded, looking like nothing but an empty shell. When Alex didn't move at all after that, James sighed, unsure of how to tackle this. "Can I... Can I carry you? Is that okay?" He asked, completely ignoring all of the intrusive thoughts that violently tried to tell him what had happened. He didn't want to know.

After a moment, Alex nodded again, tensing up when James gently tried to pry his arms away from his body. As soon as James had picked him up, Alex started trembling, hiding his face in the plush fabric of James' jacket. After a few steps, James felt a wetness on his chest, and looked down, realising that Alex was crying silently.

James felt the cracks already. The cracks in Alex' psyche, and he knew this was going to crush him. He was much more careful as he made his way back to the table, trying make sure nobody bumped into them. It was almost impossible. When he finally reached the others, Will looked up, looking worriedly at the boy in James' arms.

"'s he alright?" He asked nodding at Alex, then making eye contact with James. The others turned to look, and they all had a glint of sadness in their eyes. Alex sometimes got... Bad, and it wouldn't be the first time James had had to take him home in the middle of a night out. This wasn't it though, James could feel it. Even though he really didn't want to know, he knew.

"No..." He looked down at Alex again, who had now gone completely limp in his arms, tears still flowing down his face. James felt a painful tug at his heart, and looked up at the others, looking at Fraser this time, "I'm taking him home. I'm sorry but can you...?" He pleaded, knowing he was being a shit roommate, but not really caring - Alex was the only thing that mattered.

"Oh yeah, of course," Fraser said, nodding immediately, "I'll just sleep at Alex and George's, yeah?" He turned to George, who, like Fraser, nodded immediately, not even considering saying no.

"Yes, you can stay as long as it's needed," George turned to James again, "take care of him, and call if you need anything. I'll drop by with his medicine in the morning." James nodded, thankful that their friend group was so tight. He turned and made his way out of the club.

_ 2 hours and 3 minutes after _

"Please tell me what happened Alex," James said in a hushed voice, trying not to scare Alex away, as he rubbed his back soothingly. James didn't want to know. They were sitting in the middle of James' bed, with James looking intently at Alex, and Alex staring emptily down at the sheets.

They had been sitting like that for almost an hour, and it seemed as if Alex was finally starting to crumble. For the thirtieth time that night, tears started pouring out of his eyes. This time it wasn't silent. It started out with small whimpers, but soon Alex was clutching at his chest, sobbing loudly, heaving for air.

"Oh, Alex..." James whispered, opening his arms when Alex started falling apart, welcoming the frail boy in a warm embrace. Alex broke down, wailing loudly, gripping on to James as if he was drowning, and the only thing keeping him above water, was James.

"H-he just c-came o-out of nowhere," Alex was hiccupping, bawling into James' chest, "he wouldn't stop, I-I told him to s-stop, but h-he just... kept g-going," James felt sick. He wanted it to stop, he didn't want to know. He didn't want to know! He wanted to cover his ears and hide from the truth. "I told him to stop, I told him to stop," Alex trailed off, crying even harder.

And he screamed. He screamed in pain and fear, falling apart, crumbling into nothing, all while James was holding him, trying to be strong. Alex screamed until his voice disappeared, clawing at James, hitting him, breaking down, trying to hold on to reality, but spiralling into insanity. And James just held him, unable to hold back the silent tears that rushed down his own face.

Suddenly, for the second time that evening, Alex went limp in his arms. He had fallen asleep, the exhaustion probably too much to handle. When James was certain Alex was completely out, he carefully freed himself from the sleeping boy, stumbled out of bed, rushing into the bathroom. He fell to his knees and emptied out whatever was left in his stomach, into the bowl.

How was he supposed to do this? How could he be strong for Alex when it hurt so much? He felt anger rush through his veins. He wanted to kill the bastard, he wanted to torture whoever had done this to his amazing boy. His stomach churned, and he retched into the toilet bowl once again.

_ 6 days and 11 hours after _

James was watching Alex' almost lifeless body. Anyone would think the boy dead, but the empty wide-open eyes, were speaking another story. Alex hadn't left the bed all week, he wouldn't let James help him, and he only ate a minimal amount of food. After that night, he hadn't let James touch him either, and James respected that, keeping his distance. It still hurt. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and fished it out, reading the message.

George:  _here now_

With one last glance at Alex, James turned away, making his way to the front door. He opened the door, stepped out, and closed it quietly behind him. George glanced worriedly at the door behind James.

"Is 'e doing any better?" George asked, now facing James. James rubbed his face exasperatedly.

"Not really, he hasn't said a word in around three days now. I honestly don't know if I'm doing the right thing keeping him home..." George looked at him sympathetically, James sighed, "I'm sorry. Could you get hold of everything?" He asked.

"Uh, yeah, everything's in here," George said, handing James the little plastic bag. James took it, quickly glancing down, making sure it was all there.

"Thank you, mate, say hello to the others from me... And Alex..." George placed a hand on his shoulder, before nodding and walking away.

James closed the door quietly behind him and sat down at the table. He pulled out the bag's contents, grabbing the colourful medicine box, and started sorting the pills.

_ 68 days and 20 hours after _

James stirred awake, feeling the sensation of lips on his neck, sucking on the soft skin. When he felt a small hand palm him through his briefs, he flung his eyes upon, a mop of dark hair greeting him. He felt blood rushing downwards, making him achingly hard under the touch. He wanted to give in, wanted the release, wanted to shower the other in kisses, like he hadn't in over two months.

But he couldn't. Alex wasn't right in the head - it would be like taking advantage of a child. Feeling sick at the thought, James reached own and took Alex' hand in his own.

"Stop," he whispered, but Alex just freed his hand and continued, sucking viciously on his jaw. James felt tears forming in his eyes, but held his emotions back as best as he could. "Alex, stop," he repeated, gripping his shoulders and pushing him away, just far enough so that Alex couldn't reach him. He looked devastated and started shaking in James' hands.

"You don't want me anymore," he hiccupped, "you think I'm disgusting," he sobbed, " _I know_ , okay?! I know I'm fucking vile!" He spat, still crying. James was honestly dumbfounded at how Alex could ever think that.

"Hey, no, no I don't! I love you, I just..." He hesitated for a moment, not sure how to phrase it to the fragile boy, "You're not...  _Well_ , Alex. I can't touch you when you're not really  _here_. Do you understand? Where is the consent in that?" He tried explaining it, but Alex just shook his head.

"I'm fine! I understand if you don't want me anymore, but don't fucking lie to me!" Alex shouted, his eyes betraying his own very words: There was nothing behind them, he was nothing but an empty shell. James couldn't hold back, a single sob escaped him, as he pulled Alex as close as he could.

"Please understand Alex - I can never stop loving you, wanting you, needing you. But please, please for the love of god, _look at you!_ You're not yourself right now! You must understand how wrong it would be if I... If I let myself be controlled by my desires, when you can't even coherently think yes, I would be worse than..."  _Him_.

"You love me?" Alex asked, sounding as if the claim was outrageous, impossible, "still? Even after..." Alex trailed off, uncertainty lacing his words. James nodded into his neck, unable to stop the flooding from his eyes.

"Of course, I do," he cried, rocking them from side to side, "of course I do."

_ 131 days and 21 hours after _

"Where's Alex?" Fraser asked, absolutely beating James' into the ground in fifa. James didn't look at the other, just answered with no tone in his voice, whatsoever.

"Out." He said, focusing on the game, but not really.

"Again?" Fraser asked, trying, and failing, to hide how worried he was.

"Yes," James said, feeling hollower than he ever thought he would, "again."

_ 173 days and 6 hours after _

James sat in their new, empty apartment, waiting for Alex to come home. Always waiting for Alex to come home. He couldn't sleep when Alex was out, too worried to go to bed.

He never slept at night.

It was eight in the morning, when Alex stumbled through the door, probably thinking he was being discreet. He walked straight past James, not even glancing his way when he walked past him. Alex didn't know James knew he was getting high every night, didn't know James could smell the alcohol a mile away, the smell reeking out of Alex' every pore.

James always knew.

"Alex, where have you been?" James knew it was pointless, but he asked anyway. Anything to hear his voice.

"Out," Alex answered curtly, voice as empty as ever.

"Out?" James asking, wanting an actual response for once.

"Yes, out. Why do you care?" Alex spat, clearly not interested in the conversation.

" _Why do I care?_ " James couldn't believe what he was hearing, "because it fucking scares me when I don't know where you are, or what you're doing, it-" Alex interrupted him, shouting.

"I was fucking raped, James! Not shot. Not run over. Raped. I'm over it! I'm having fun! I'm living life, getting the best out of what I've been given. Can't you just be happy for me?!" Alex looked insane. Alex was insane. James was speechless.

"... Happy for you?" He seethed, "how can I be happy when you are destroying yourself?" Alex just stared at him blankly, those same empty eyes staring holes in James.

"Why don't you just leave me then?" He asked coldly, showing no emotion. Probably not feeling any.

"I can't," was all James said.

"Then get off my case." Alex spat, turning around, slamming the door shut behind him. James felt his heart break a little more. Even if he wanted to, he could never leave Alex.

_ 212 days and 20 hours after _

"I think I'm losing him," James cried into the phone, "no, I'm scared he's already gone." Fraser sighed into the phone, not knowing what to say.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he said. James choked on another sob

"Me too."

_ 293 days and 17 minutes after _

That night, James woke up to the sound of violent retching. He got out of the bed faster than he thought possible in his sleepy state and moved swiftly to the bathroom. Before opening the door, he readied himself for what he might find, taking a deep breath before turning the handle, pulling the door open.

Alex was hunched over the toilet, heaving, retching, his entire body shaking. James should be used to this, should expect the sight before him, but he just never could. Every time he found Alex like this, he broke just a little bit more. He reached out and placed a hand on Alex' shoulder blade, but he could never have expected his reaction. Alex flinched and flung himself away from James, scrambling across the floor to the other end of the relatively big room.

"Don't touch me!" Alex screeched, and finally turned his face so James could get a good look of him. James fell to his knees. He fell to his knees and couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Months. Months and months, he had waited for this. He had feared it would never happen, but finally, finally it did.

The eyes looking back at him, were no longer lifeless and empty. James could feel the ache in his heart double, the relief flooding through his body, too much for him to take.

Alex looked so incredibly scared, and sad, and broken, and guilty. Most of all he looked so incredibly guilty. The short second he made eye contact, James felt the shame and self-hatred radiate out of the other.

"Please... Don't..." And with that Alex broke down, collapsing in on himself. James was by his side before he had even registered that he was moving. He didn't touch Alex. It was an unspoken rule between them: He never touched Alex unless he was given permission - the hand on Alex' shoulder had been a slip-up. Before he could even ask what was happening, Alex started rambling, clutching at his own chest, so obviously in immense pain, but also clearly having to say what he was going to say.

"I cheated on you James." He whispered brokenly, "I regretted it as soon as it was happening, but it still did happen. I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry." James closed his eyes, breathed in, breathed out. He wanted to scream. The pain he felt in that moment, was almost unbearable, almost too much. He wanted the ground to swallow him, to take him whole.

"I-I just wanted to feel _something_ , anything!" Alex said, voice desperate, broken, "it's no excuse, I know it isn't, but you deserve to know why. I never wanted to hurt you, I'm so fucking sorry." Alex repeated, James couldn't breathe, "I wasn't thinking, too consumed in myself to see what I was doing to you. I was so lost..." he whispered, almost inaudibly, "I still am... I don't deserve you." At the last part, James opened his eyes, and found that Alex was already staring at him.

That's when James realised that Alex thought he had done the absolute worst. And maybe he had. But the pain he felt because of this, was  _nothing_ compared to the agony it had been, watching Alex destroy himself, watching Alex being gone.

It hurt. It really hurt, but seeing Alex being there, present, _really_  being there - James would pay any price to have that. Even Alex cheating on him. He reached out, needing to touch Alex, needing to know he was real. He stopped mere centimetres away from the other, waiting for permission.

Alex frowned confusedly, but a few moments later, he nodded. Waves of not really believing this was reality, washed over James as he finally touched Alex. Not even a second later he pulled the other into his lap, hugging him tightly.

"Why?" Alex whispered, crying along with James.

"Because I love you." James whispered back. He could forgive him. He could forgive everything, if it meant getting Alex back.

_ 301 days and 10 hours after _

Alex hadn't left his bed since that night. James was worried, but more than anything, he was just happy having Alex back. Life was back in his eyes. It was all pain and tears and guilt and shame, but it was there. They could work on that together. James would do everything in his power, everything, to help Alex forgive himself.

He moved to the bed, leaning over the sleeping form, admiring the beautiful boy, before gently shaking his shoulder.

"The appointment is in three hours love, you need a shower and something to eat before we leave," James said softly, trying not to wake up Alex too harshly. His eyes fluttered open, finding James' after a few seconds of looking around, getting used to the dim light. As soon as their eyes connected, remorse flooded Alex' eyes, and he looked away.

A sad smile tugged at James' lips, but he shrugged the feeling off. He slid his arms beneath Alex, and lifted him off the bed, carrying him to the bathroom. As James bathed him, Alex closed his eyes, never once looking at James. James didn't mind. It was going to be okay. As he dried Alex, he felt a soft hand on his shoulder, gently holding on for support. He closed his eyes briefly, relishing in the feeling, before continuing.

After making them breakfast, James observed Alex contently, as Alex actually ate something for once. It was the first time James had seen the other eat in months. When they were done, he sent Alex off to brush his teeth, cleaning the plates and the pans in the meanwhile. Alex came back and silently accepted the pills and the glass of water James handed him.

After helping Alex into his coat, James quickly shrugged on his own, before turning to the other. He gently took Alex' face in his hands, resting his forehead against his.

"Are you ready?" James asked, waiting patiently for an answer. Alex exhaled loudly, then opened his eyes and looked back at James.

"Yeah."

_ 331 days and 17 hours after _

Laughter filled the room as Will won over Fraser in another game of fifa, Fraser handing over a tenner for the fifth time that evening.

"Just accept it man, you cannae win over me, no one can defeat the big WillNE!" Will said smugly, a big grin spreading across his face. James snorted.

"Except Morgz Mum," he muttered under his breath, causing an eruption of roaring laughter from the other boys.

"Hey, she's cheating!" Will shouted, "I'm doing an honest day's worth of work, and she just does giveaways!" His Geordie accent shining through in that sentence, voice high-pitched, still a little bit embarrassed about the fact that a 55-year old woman had overtaken him.

"Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night mate," Fraser teased, receiving a light slap from Will. George snickered.

"Hey, you lot have been overtaken too, it's not just me!" A deep blush was settling on Will's cheeks - he was obviously a bit more ashamed by the fact, than he let on.

"Not me," George said, clearly just doing everything in his power to humiliate Will as much as possible. Will just groaned, throwing his hand up in the air, falling back into the sofa.

"I give up," he stated, pouting slightly. Fraser took pity on the boy, and offered playing a rematch, even though everyone knew he would lose. "You're on, mate," Will said, desperate to move on.

The playful banter continued throughout the evening, and even though Alex never said a word, he often sighed contently. James was more than satisfied, having Alex glued to his side the entire night - he was just happy Alex was finally able to face the others again. And somewhere, during the evening, he leaned down and placed a kiss on top of Alex' hair.

"I love you," James whispered, before turning to laugh at a joke George had made.

_ 364 days and 19 hours after. _

They were sitting in the sofa when Alex had brought it up. James tensed. He was scared - It had been so long. He was almost afraid to touch Alex like that, afraid that it would cause more pain than anything else. He also knew he wanted it. He exhaled and pulled Alex into his lap, inhaling his scent before opening his eyes, locking them with the other.

"Are you sure?" He asked, searching for any glint of uncertainty, anything that suggested Alex wasn't. He didn't find any, only resolution and a flicker of... Something else.

"Yes," Alex breathed, never once breaking eye contact with James. James clenched his eyes shut tightly, afraid the universe would shatter around them if he dared to let go. He felt warm fingers on his cheek, and his eyes fluttered open. Alex stared at him earnestly, "I am sure, James, make love to me." James nodded, leaning in, catching Alex' lips in a tender kiss.

He almost fell apart then and there. He hadn't felt Alex' lips on his for so long, and that feeling alone was almost too much. He carried Alex to their bed, setting him down carefully, before gently sliding off his clothes. As their bodies connected, and James' world shattered around him, and Alex trembled underneath him, James caught that look in his eyes again.

As the night became theirs, and they took back what had so violently been taken away from them, Alex arched his back, getting as close to James as he could. As sweet whimpers fell from Alex' lips, and James' fingers danced on his skin, leaving feather like touches in their wake, only they existed.

And as Alex cried out his name, as he himself came undone, as a single tear slid down his face and he caught Alex' lips with his own, and as the world unravelled around them, James finally recognised the look in Alex' eyes. The other pulled away, breathing heavily, smiling softly, still with that look shining out of his eyes.

"I love you, James Marriott."


End file.
